A letter to him..

Dear you,

     Just want to let you know that I have so much faith and hope in our relationship..you've made me believe in love once again but not until what you've done to me..I have completely lost trust and faith in you but hoping that you can try to regain it again but you are just too impatient..one thing that I really don't understand, what's with you saying that I am using you? What is it that you have for me to use? If I were to use you I will not leave you until I've spend all your money..if I want to, I will not even be with you for these 2 years but to find some rich men..

     I will not say that I've wasted these 2 years with you because what I felt was truly love..but it was really sad for me to know that what u felt was just a waste of time and money..at least I know to you I'm just a waste of time and money..not sure if you're aware that you've been really harsh towards me during our arguments..you can be disrespectful to me but not to my family especially my late mom..I respect your family and I will not mention them in our arguments..I'm just so disappointed with what you've said about my late mom..just so you know that she does likes you and happy that I was with you but what you've said about her was just too much..

     I know you don't realize how much of "me" in our arguments..all you think of is just yourself..I was speeding home every time I'm back from flight just to see you..you were all I thought of during my entire flight..so longing to see you and hug you..though we argue, I still hope to see you yesterday night..hoping that you'll try to talk things out nicely with me, instead you started to be really harsh towards me..you know me but you don't know me well..things could have been different if you could have started off talking to me nicely..I was waiting at my living room hoping that things will turn out fine..I know you've been working really hard but I too was flying for almost 12hours..you really don't have to over react for what you called lame joke..

     Even though I know you'll never wish me the best and you might think that I'll never find any guys who are better than you, I'll still sincerely pray that you'll one day find a girl who you'll love with all your heart and love her as much as u love yourself..I've learned what's love is really all about..if you are not ready to give in and love the other half just as much as loving yourself then don't fall in love..well I might not find any better guy than you but at least I've learned to love myself more..if you were to ask me what I really want past 2 months, let me tell you is to spend the rest of my life with you but if u were to ask me again now ,I just wanna be alone and best is to not keep in touch with you..our memories are more than enough for me..love is indeed an illusion..

                 
                  EVERY WORD THAT WAS SAID CAN NEVER BE TAKEN BACK~

Not the same...

     Things are just different, feelings are not the same like before...we hardly kiss and hug like how we used to do..frankly speaking, I still feel he has a little bit of something for her but I hope I am wrong..he doesn't hold me nor open the car door for me anymore..is this normal for couples who just got back together after arguments..or is it there's something that he's hiding from me?

     I really missed the time when we use to be so crazy..how we always make fun of each other and knowing how much we love each other..I do believe that you can't keep two person in your heart..you'll definitely not gonna give your 100% to your partner because you have someone else in your heart..in that case it's really ok point being together and planning future together..sigh~

#3

     Now I'm still doubting if he wants us back, if he wants to get me back..if he really loves me...he's just not showing any effort..I'm starting to feel frustrated and eventually get tired of it..just make me feel like moving on..not knowing that I'm super paranoid that I dreamt about him calling her infront of me..he's making me feel that they are still in contact personally and maybe started to get even more intimate in their conversations..I don't know and I don't wanna think about it..let's see if I get into other airlines..I'll just leave behind all the sad memories and start a new life on my own..*fingers cross*

#2

     Giving him another chance even though knowing that he had feelings for another girl is just so not my principle..I've always tell myself that if a man ever changed his mind or heart I'll never wanna fight back for him..because it's just not worth it and it's definitely gonna happen again..I don't know what I'm doing is right but I just know that I'm stupid..

     It's like I've got stabbed right through my heart even when u pull out the knife the scar will still be there..should I just wait and see if he really wanted this and prove himself to me that he'll treat me right? That he's still the one for me?..

     I know even if I ever accept him back I'll never trust him anymore..I'll not have faith in him again and love like before..and I'll just wonder if he would ever try his level beat to regain my trust and faith..or will he repeat the same mistakes again..God please show me the right path..I'm really lost now..

#1

     After all the ups and downs we've finally decided to moved on..it was really hard for me to let go but I'll have to..it's just not right when he has someone else in his mind and yet continue this relationship..

     I never believe in promises and marriage until I met him..I can't believe after all we've been through he just let me down..I was hurt again and again..he promised that he'll stop texting her but he still did..knowing it'll jeopardize our relationship yet he's doing it..maybe she's really that important to him that he can't stop himself from drawing closer to her..I asked myself over and over again why does he have to lie? Why is he doing this? What I did to deserve this?..

     If he really loves me he will never fall for another girl..if he loves me he will not try to get closer to her knowing that we can mend things..but he just did...he knows clearly that if he continues texting her everyday their feelings will get deeper and deeper..he knows and that's what he wants.so devastated..he just changed his mind and heart that fast..

     I told him bout my ex, bout how he treated me and neglect me..and he said he'll never do that to me but he did and even worst trying to build special feelings with this other girl..but I'll move on and be strong because I know that I'll have to go through this and walk this road alone..hoping to forget about him and our memories more everyday..

Choices?

     Emirates interview coming soon!! Never thought of going to any other airlines, instead was planning to quit and spend it with my special one but now that I don't have a special one..it's time for me to plan my future life alone..just that I'm contemplating whether to go so far and leave my dad behind..there nothing here in Malaysia that makes me feel worth staying for, only my dad..sigh..let's see what's God plan for me.. =)